I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
