i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
