Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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