i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
