I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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