sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize