You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
