Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize