Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
