FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize