It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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