Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the condom got lost in my hair
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize