dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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