Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
