my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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