why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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