were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
