I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I cannot find my penis.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Houston, we have a blender
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
