I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
