If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
