True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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