theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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