I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
