I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
