I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize