my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Couch. On fire.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
