Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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