Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
