where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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