He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
