Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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