i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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