I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
