Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
