I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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