Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
