and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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