do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
