you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
