Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
