OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
