you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
