even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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