Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
