so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
