Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
