I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You can't motorboat a personality
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
