I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
