I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
