I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
