If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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