I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
