They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
