Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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