Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
