Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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