Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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