I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it hurts more in the daytime
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
